We’re told that those initial sparks are vital – but here’s why you shouldn’t put all your faith in fireworks
Anyone who’s been on their fair share of dates will know the feeling: you’re getting along really well, they’re making you laugh, you can see they’re attractive. On paper, this should be a perfect match – but there’s just something missing. Some people call it chemistry, others love at first sight; Carrie Bradshaw memorably termed it “the zsa zsa zsu”. We’re all conditioned to believe in that indefinable spark, which can be the make-or-break element of a successful relationship. But how important is that initial pull of can’t-resist-you attraction?
“Specific chemicals in the brain, like dopamine and vasopressin, create lust and make us focus on that one person: they make us crave them, almost obsess about them,” says relationship psychologist Dr Limor Gottlieb. “From an evolutionary perspective, this initial attraction functions to create pair bonds, and is an important first step in relationships before a romantic attachment can be formed.” According to Gottlieb, we’re “biologically wired” to fall in love – or rather, lust – at first sight.
“How important is that initial pull of can’t-resist-you attraction?”
But for those worried that a partnership might be dead in the water if those first-date butterflies aren’t there, there’s good news: there’s a big step between lust and love, and some of the most successful relationships do develop over time. The classic trope of friends to more-than-friends is more than just a storyline used in romantic comedies like When Harry Met Sally; in fact, friendship has been proven as one of the best foundations on which to build a relationship, and more than two-thirds of British couples start out as friends first. “In these cases, attraction develops from forming an emotional bond first,” says Gottlieb. “This is crucial for relationship longevity.”
Initial attraction is intoxicating, as well socially highly valued in a society that still promotes romantic ideals such as ‘The One’. However, real relationships are much more about communication and commitment than they are fireworks in the early days, says Gottlieb. “Attraction is built from compatibility, and compatibility can be created,” she explains. “For example, even if partners don’t have the same hobbies or interests, they can still bond over different interests by allowing each other to talk about their passions and by asking questions.” Films like How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days and the newly released Anyone But You, starring Sydney Sweeney, are testament to how spending quality time with someone can make attraction blossom out of less than nothing – as the old adage goes, there’s a thin line between love and hate.
This knowledge that good relationships don’t always come naturally isn’t just helpful for single people on the lookout for love. “It’s also very important for couples who lose their initial spark,” says Gottlieb. “Couples need to prioritise alone time and schedule date nights, like they did at the beginning. A lot of attraction in dating is the result of novelty, and merely being intimate with a new person. There are many opportunities to create novelty in a long-term relationship, like going to new places together, trying a different hobby, or being more romantic with each other.”
So the next time you’re tempted to call it quits after a few dates, or even end a longer relationship that seems to have lost its excitement, remember that much of romantic love is, well, romanticised. “Attraction on its own can’t guarantee long-term relationship success,” warns Gottlieb, so don’t overrate passion at the expense of reliability, stability and genuine affection. “It’s about committing to that person, prioritising the relationship, and a willingness to put in the continued effort.” While there’s nothing quite like that first dopamine hit, real love is about celebrating what comes next – in all its forms.
This article originally appeared in harpersbazaar.com
